When introducing oneself many state their name, age, hometown, occupation, etc. These are things that would describe me but they are not me. My name is Rosemary Cecelia, I am named for my two grandmothers. I am 22. I grew up in Metro Detroit. I am a manager at a popular restaurant.
Many would say one of my greatest strengths is my perseverance, while one of my greatest flaws is my stubbornness. I find it funny that these two traits are essentially two sides of the same coin. I guess it goes to show that nothing in this world is black and white but instead a million different shades of gray.
I have struggled to find life between the black and white. So often in an attempt to make sense of the nonsensical I have found myself trying to put things in one of two categories. Everything must either be good or bad, right or wrong, happy or sad, safe or dangerous, perfect or flawed to the point of worthlessness.
This black and white mindset has caused a great deal or turmoil. In an attempt to take back control of a life that for so long did not belong to me I found control in food. In what I ate, or more often, in what I didn't. An eating disorder was a result, and in my desperate fight for control anorexia took over and left me spiraling so far out of control that I spent more of my adolescence and young adult years locked up in hospitals and treatment centers. With every moment of everyday, with every calorie consumed, with every pill taken dictated by others. Having your false sense of being in control ripped from your grip is humbling and infuriating. And after roughly seven consecutive years of being shuffled from hospital to treatment center, to home, and back to the hospital to restart the cycle I finally decided enough was enough.
Its not that I didn't try to fight before my 21st year but the motivation to recover was often motivated solely by the desire to leave the hospital- knowing somewhere in the back of my mind that I would only relapse.
When did things change? I am not sure I could pin point an exact moment but a number of events and realizations built upon each other and the result was the motivation and determination to truly recover. Just as I had seen countless times in various other aspects of my life, my stubbornness was my biggest obstacle and yet my perseverance undoubtedly saved my life.
I am still uncovering these things, day by day. It's a process.